Black, creamy motions
Very much a specialist's stool, the black, creamy motion requires a very specific dietary
regime. To fully appreciate it, a reasonable quantity of very rare steak must be eaten as
the sole meal of the day (if you're still hungry later on more rare steak must be consumed.)
In addition it is important to drink at least two litres of red wine on the same afternoon/evening
(top up with other alcohol as required.) Thirty six to forty eight hours later you will have the very
considerable pleasure of passing a black, creamy motion. It will be very dark in hue, indeed it
will appear to absorb not only all wavelengths of light but actual time and space itself and have
a very smooth, almost runny consistency (important - do not confuse with common diarrhoea.)
No discomfort will be felt during excretion and a pungent odour may or may not be savoured.
The remarkable feature is that the stool is just fluid enough to settle to an even level at the
base of the toilet! Following flushing (if you can bring yourself to do so) the toilet bowl will
not be merely skidded but actually coated with a substantial layer of faeces.
Blood in motions
If blood is from the large bowel or anus, it will be bright red. If the blood is from higher up
the digestive tract - from a gastric or duodenal ulcer - the motion may be black and tarry. Generally,
medical attention should be sought... quickly.
Diarrhoea
An extremely common symptom caused by a wide range of conditions. Diarrhoea can be acute or chronic or
recurrent. Acute diarrhoea is caused by food poisoning, or more commonly by eating a powerful curry
(see also ring-sting.) The danger here is that victims may assume their diarrhoea to be induced merely
by the curry and not initially recognise that they may have food poisoning as well. Because of this,
many Indian restaurants are able to remain a breeding ground for salmonella and remain a
going concern.
Floaters
The floater is truly legendary to all scatologists. It is a true comedy basic, and needs little
explanation except to comment that it is rumoured to be induced by a sensible, well balanced
and healthy diet. This also makes it a unique abnormal motion.
Green Crap
A source of particular amusement to the author, the green crap was first demonstrated in 1993 after
nearly an entire bottle of "Brilliant Blue" food colouring was added to a pint one evening. This was
found to produce a marked green colouration to the subject's faeces which lasted two to three days.
Further research is required to identify alternative hues which may be produced.
Pale, clay-coloured motions
If associated with the passage of dark urine, pale clay-coloured motions may be a symptom of
jaundice, otherwise you are wearing yellow tinted sunglasses. This type of motion is common
and rarely abnormal in babies.
Pale, bulky, offensive motions
Offensive-smelling, pale, bulky motions are often very satisfying to those who excrete them.
They are known, on occasions, to evade flusing and squat defiantly at the bottom of the toilet.
In rare cases they can be a symptom of cystic fibrosis where they will also appear frothy and
float on water. If you can produce stools like this and not suffer cystic fibrosis then
you can be justifiably proud of yourself.
Loose, runny motions
See diarrhoea.
Mucus or slime passed
Persistent passage of mucus or slime should be collected and kept in a jar to show to a doctor
because it occasionally a symptom of colitis or bowel cancer. One should also be aware that the
slime may be semen and you have recently been the victim of anal sex, either with or without
your consent. In the latter case it should be collected and kept in a jar to show to a forensic
scientist.
Painful Motions
In adults, anal fissure is often the cause of painful motions. However they are also a symptom
of internal piles of simply a damn big dump. Severe attacks of diarrhoea may also cause a spasm
of anal discomfort (tenesmus.)
Ring-Sting
Acute pain, felt in the anal sphincter, associated directly with the passing of certain motions.
Not necessarily exhibiting a correlation to faecal bulk, it is often the presence of chilli or
other strong flavours in the diet which contributes to the discomfort. Ring-sting is therefore
often considered to be an almost vital aspect of curry consumption.